Relationships - Part II

My teacher used to say, if you want to know how far you have come (on the yogic path and your evolution), look at your relationships.

We are always in relationship. With those that physically surround us and those that occupy space in our minds. Every interaction with another, even every expression of ourselves you could argue, is a moment of relating, of choosing, consciously or unconsciously how we will turn up for ourselves and the other. A choice of what space we offer the other and how we turn up in that space.

The last post, Relationships – Part I, started exploring the Yamas as the principles that guide our relationship with others, and it specifically considered the role of Ahimsa (non-violence) and Satya (truthfulness) as the foundational blocks of relationships.

Asteya (non-stealing), Brahmaracharya (Journeying to Truth) and Aparigraha (non-grasping) move us deeper and further, first with developing and cultivating these intentions and principles within us and in our relationship with our own selves, and then with the other.

Asteya (non-stealing), similarly to Ahimsa, is concerned more with the space that we offer the other. It points to an intention of not taking what is not ours, not stealing another’s belongings, but also another’s ideas, their attention, and their time. In other words, not taking advantage of the other. The longer we are in relationship with another, and deeper the relationship gets, our boundaries can sometimes blur, and our interactions can become more habitual and less considered.

It can feel uncomfortable to consider that we might be taking advantage of those that we love, but it is worth reflecting on. When I want someone’s attention, do I consider the space they might be occupying and their ability to offer their attention to me? Do I take more time than the other is happy to give me? It might be easier to consider how such boundaries get blurred when we are on the receiving end of them. When our attention is demanded in moments where we are not fully present and able to give it. Or, when we are held in a conversation for that little bit longer and we are trying to politely and kindly bring it to an end. We might be thinking that this is something that others do, but not us, but is it?

Creating a space for the other that is safe, and they are not being taken advantage of, then leads us to Brahmaracharya (Journeying to Truth). As with Satya, Brahmaracharya is also concerned with the space we occupy within the relationship. Brahmaracharya, literally meaning the journey towards truth, is often misinterpreted as sexual abstinence. It is very much concerned with the use and manifestation of our energy, and sexual energy is the greatest manifestation of this, which might explain how it came about to be misinterpreted in this way. My understanding is that it is more concerned with the use of our energy, our intention and ability to focus it and have clarity over the function of a relationship and its boundaries. In other words, it is the practice of a conscious investment of our focus, and the amount of energy we invest in the relationship. The real purpose and focus of having such conscious investment and clarity is to realise and consciously experience the exchange of energy. As such, journey closer to the truth, by realising the truth, by being discerning of how we make use of our energy.

This deepens our relationships and brings us into greater intimacy not just with the other but also ourselves, as we stay present and conscious, observing what happens within us when energy is exchanged. As relationships deepen, within and without, we reach Aparigraha (non-grasping), the principle which is the fruit of the rest of the yamas, and the one that moves beyond any specific relationship.

As human beings we are drawn to certainty and stability and as such, in all relationships we have the tendency to accumulate ideas and expectations regarding the relationship and the other. Over time, these can become increasingly defined and fixed by what we have already experienced, which can limit our, and the relationship’s, vitality and freedom.

We might be habituating relationships for ease of interaction but at the same time, we also potentially leave less room for them to breathe. Aparigraha (non-grasping), invites us, instead, to hold things lightly, and practice meeting the relationship (and the other) as if for the first time. Letting go of what has been and living in the present, accepting the other as they are, affording them the possibility of becoming. If we want others to accept us, as we are, whilst growing and becoming, can we do the same for them?

It is said that when Aparigraha is truly established, the mysteries of life are revealed as we awaken to the laws of nature and the “how-ness” of life.

Again, this is, yoga off the mat.

Being fully present and in complete union with ourselves and the rest of the universe, to allow the flow of energy and life to move us, and move through us.

It can feel easier said than done and there might still be learning to be had. Learning how best to live with ourselves can help in the process. Niyamas give us the principles and tools in living with ourselves, where we will be turning our attention for the theme of the current yoga term.